If You Get Me

If You Get Me
Sometimes it's good to stop and think--do a little reflecting.
Measure what you're doing by reviewing your value structure. But
make sure you've established one.
A good value structure can keep you on the right track and out of
a lot of hot water.
Let's start with relationships. I don't have one.
I decided that I can only have a relationship with a man who gets
me. This is why I am alone.
But it's okay. I can do alone. I can't do nagging, worrying and
sour disposition.
Women who display these characteristics are often with men who
don't get them. Being in these relationships is better than being
alone to them or they've just given up and too tired to get out of
it.
Alone is better for me than just putting up, shutting up and
putting out. But it's not just because I think I'm a better woman
but because I really just don't know how. I'll
stay on track with the quiet woman routine but then I'll lose my
concentration and forget who I'm supposed to be and before you
know it, I've opened my mouth, closed my legs and grabbed an
opinion.
Then there goes the relationship.
But, I guess in the long run, it wasn't really a relationship but
just sex. A bit of passion.
Several men expected me even to carry out a pregnancy under the
quiet woman routine. But because I was playing a role and not
being myself, they thought that I would make a good baby's momma.
None had given me a ring and proposed marriage. Just wanted a baby's
momma on the side 'cause that seemed to be the thing to do.
And these men aren't slouches--by any means.
They'd have much more to lose than I if their potential love child
would have come to light.
Because I'm not a teenage girl and know the difference between
love and lust and passion and loved them enough in my own way to
do what was best--even when it was painful to do--I remained
chaste. No extra babies for me--as cute as they could be. (In my
own mind of course)
These guys, I love, figured I wasn't doing anything better (in their
mind) than to add to my responsibilities. And that they would be a
good catch for me and that I should be grateful men of their status
would even bother with the little match girl (see French
children's fable Allumette who froze to death outside of a French
bakery dreaming about food as she tried to sell matches to
passersby on Christmas Eve)
But that they wanted a piece of me forever, laying claim to me to be their
baby momma (not mama).
In a really immature way, I appreciate d
the sentiment.
It's a good stroke for the ego.
But that's all that stroke should be--good for the ego. It doesn't
need to be a life long commitment to a permanent situation where
I would be looked upon to explain how it all came about--as soon as the
potential love child grew up.
They're not always infants, babies and little kids. They become
12-year-olds with a high intellect (I told you none of the men I
know are slouches) and they would want to know why my ex-husband
isn't their father too, like their brother and sister.
Why would I want to put myself through that? Or them? Or that
potential baby daddy. He'd only be mad at me in the end when the thrill was gone and then there would still be the baby to raise, with or without a dad.
I now know the love for a child demonstrated by
their father only may go as far as the love they demonstrate for
the child's mom--whether they stay together or not.
Upon reviewing my value structure today, I figure I'm doing the
best I can with what I have. And it's nice to know you have some
value in the world--even if it is as a baby momma.
However, I have one question: how did this phenomena of baby mommas come about?
Why not marry and have a whole and complete family unit?

Oh my eye

My contact lense slipped into the back of my eyeball Sunday while in Sunday school. I put another in so I can't tell if I have two in my right eye or not. When it slips into the back, it's hard to notice it's there.
I've started going to Sunday school. My son expressed an interest in church, so we started to go. He's seven. However, we have age appropriate classes so I'm in the Adult class. We discuss world events as it relates to religion and hold all sorts of interesting conversations. They don't make judgements--or at least they don't voice them to me. It would be difficult for me to explain why I'm out dancing and stuff way past 10 p.m. sometimes.
I guess they too were once young and in the world.

three days for a pic

why did it take me three days to post pics to my blog using Picasa and Hello? it would have been nice to just use the "browse" button to upload from my computer.

anyway, enjoy.

self-portrait 2003
Posted by Hello

leslie
Posted by Hello

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Stupid Questions

I get tired of asking questions--sometimes...
I do, really. I have been asking questions all of my life, for free. Now here lately I've been getting paid to ask questions--for the past 10 years or so.
And I'm tired of asking the questions for free.
So, if I don't ask you, "why you do me like that?" it's not always because I don't care, it's because I just don't have the strength any more for "why".
The free questions revolve around my personal life and my effort to produce the whys and ifs are getting more and more sparce.
"Why I let him treat me like a hooker?" "Why didn't he call?" "Why she trippin'?" "Damn that was messed up. Why they do that?" "Why that man layin' on the ground?" "Why don't anyone want to eat my cooking?"
"If he knew he just wanted some, why not just say so?"
Ya know, those types of whys and if questions.
They're stupid questions and nowadays, I just sighhhhh and let it go because no one knows the answers and I can only speculate and guess.
And usually those questions go unanswered anyway. So why ask them.
Forget it.
Sighhhhh, that felt good.
But the real reason is because I only care half as much as I did 10 years ago. I've seen too much.
These ears have heard lots of talk and secrets. People have been using me as a landfill for useless knowledge for far too long.
Much of what I see and hear can't be used professionally, so I'm working on a way to not see and here as much as I used to. I have sequestered my quest for knowledge and will continue to limit it only for professional use.
I don’t know, it just seems better that way.
This is what happens when a naturally curious child grows up and makes use of the curiosity. You find a career path that makes use of it and it gets used all of the time. But of course, it is what I choose to do.
Journalists get paid to ask questions but I guess it's up to me to determine whether or how often I ask the people in my life "why" and "if".
I guess it's just easier thata way, I reckon.

What's the fuss about? Social Security

copyright LJM 2005

On Social Security---this is what all the fuss is about…..(yeah, it’s a helluva fuss)

Dominican Republic native Demetrio Ortega's earns his keep by the sweat of his brow. His face glistened in the high humidity as he delivered beer to a South Florida merchant Thursday.
However, he worked with a smile on his face.
The 28-year-old Lake Worth resident says he knows his future is secure because he participates in his company's 401K retirement program and looks forward to relaxing in his golden years. He said he knows he can't depend entirely on Social Security.
"That's why I'm trying to do something else. I'm saving money now and I invest my money everywhere," Ortega said.
Coined by some as the 13th Generation or Generation X, those born between 1965 and the very early 80's will miss out on the current idea of retirement, where thoughts of RV-ing or kicking back in the sunshine run rampant--if they are depending on Social Security to get them there.
According to a congressional report on the solvency of Social Security benefits, those born during the 1960s will receive a little over $14,000 annually in social security benefits according to government analysts. Those born during the 1970s will receive approximately $16,400 and those born in the 1980s will pocket about $19,000. The difference is the amount of the social security benefit that is trust fund financed.
According to the report, by the year 2019, the percentage of trust fund contributions to the Social Security program will begin to decline. Although full benefits will be paid, trust fund money will make up less of the percentage. Trust fund financing is important to the solvency of the Social Security program, analysts connected with the report said.
"Outlays are projected to begin exceeding revenues in 2019 with the gap growing ever wider, thereafter," Director of the Congressional Budget Office Dr. Douglas Holtz-Eakin said.
The turning point in the funding structure is that in 2052 the government will be legally bound to pay only a certain amount of the scheduled benefits.
By the year 2053, there will be a 20 percent reduction in Social Security benefits paid because the trust fund contribution balance will be exhausted, government analysts said, unless members of Congress pass laws securing the future of the program.
Analysts also say that by law, the Social Security program can only pay as much as there is in the system.
Members of the Congressional Budget Office compiled the report but do not make the policy decisions on the Social Security Programs, Holtz-Eakin said.
Financial analysts have said retirement formulas have to be adjusted to save popularly for retirement.
"This has been a problem that they have realized for 20 years and Congress hadn't wanted to deal with it because it will make members vulnerable when up for re-election," Florida International University Professor of Finance, Dr. Robert T. Daigler said.
He said people in their 20s and 30 should start saving more or get higher returns on their investments--which means making riskier investments.
"They didn't expect people to live longer. Not only that but returns on stock won't be as high as in the past," he said. He too agreed that financial calculators tooled to help workers save would have to be restructured to reflect changes in social security funding—especially for those born during Generation X.
Daigler said many middle and lower class citizens have difficulty saving money. He also said younger people can recover from financial loss easier than older Americans.
"It puts people who think about it in a bind. They can put more money in an IRA after the age of 50," he said.
Locally, shoppers Thursday at a Delray Beach, Florida strip mall didn't make much of the information released.
"Yeah it bothers me but I don't know. I won't be able to survive. Maybe I'll get some investments," local employee Mary Ford said.
Boynton Beach resident Roni Luc and his wife said they wouldn’t have to worry about old age because of his savings invested in a 401K
"My investments will carry me though," the 30 year-old said.
Over the next 30 years, those born between 1946 and 1964-will rise by more than 90 percent in the next three decades to 69 million in 2030, a report last year said.
Members of Generation X will be the under 65 group who will largely be the ones paying taxes into the program.
That generation, however, will only grow by only about 15 percent-- to 195 million.
However, Social Security is currently running an annual surplus. In 2003, dedicated revenues exceeded money spent out by $68 billion. That surplus helped reduce the government's total deficit in 2003.
Some say by allowing the American boarders to soften, an influx of workers can be brought into the economy who can then help pay into the Social Security system.

sittin' too close

Why do we invade? The floor is open. Forget the fireplace, forget the ambiance in the rest of the joint--they want to sit next me, in the corner by the window. We're the black entertainment for the week.
Forreal,tho-- do I know you? Why would you sit so close? The whole restaurant is open. There are rows and rows of chairs available. But naw, you got to sit here.Me and my friend ova here mindin' ours, being loud and talkin'. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SIT RIGHT HERE IN OUR FACES (PRENTENDING TO WRITE) WHILE ALL THE WHILE, LISTENING TO OUR SOMETIMES SACRED GIRL TALK?
Go sit ova there.